Doubt. It's what can depress us. It's what can confuse us. Anger us. Frustrate, annoy, and gnaw at us. Without it, would our faith be a perfect faith? It's hard to imagine, isn't it?
Jesus said that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, then we could move the mountains. I remember when I was little, I wanted to test that theory. I thought I had that much faith. So as we were driving past the mountains during our summer vacations, I told it to MOVE. It didn't. And you know what? I wasn't surprised. I was disappointed, but not really surprised.
I think that's the key factor. We may tell each other that we believe that Jesus can do anything. But nobody has the faith that telling a mountain to move will make it move. It took me a while to realize that. There's a difference between faith, and wishful thinking. Can anybody really say that if they went to a mountain and told it to jump, they would completely, 100% expect it to jump? Of course not! We know that mountains don't jump. Even if we had a suspicion that it might jump, we would be shocked if it did. And if we're shocked that it worked, wouldn't that mean that we didn't have the faith in the first place?
Absolute faith. Wow. It's such a foreign concept... but so appealing. Imagine how drastically different some of our lives would be if we had 100% faith that Jesus was with us all the time. Or that we never for a second doubted that we were heaven-bound. What if we saw every person we came across as a king or a queen- or in other words, the way God sees them. It's embarrassing to say that my life would be quite a lot different if I had complete faith.
It feels like my faith sometimes comes in spurts. (It's maddening, really.) Sometimes, I'll be all jazzed up and feel on top of the world. I will totally be sensing God's closeness, and feel all exhilarated about life. I'll feel pumped and excited to live for God.
But then, there's those other nights. Maybe I'll be praying about someone's desperate situation, or a personal conflict. Maybe I'll be praying about a heart issue or struggle... basically, a burden. Those are the times when God doesn't seem so close. In fact, sometimes it feels like He's not there at all! I'll be frank with you. Sometimes the doubts from the devil enter my mind, and like a lurking shadow, it hints at the worst possible thought: God's not real.
Am I the only one who has these troubles? The moment those thoughts enter my head, I usually end up in tears. I am angry at myself, stressed over the questions that I have, depressed, confused, and alone. I know in my heart that God's not dead, that he's alive and well, but my all-too-human brain likes to contradict.
When these thoughts flood my head, I begin to feed them. Unintentionally of course, but it seems that I can't help it. I start to think of everything going wrong. All my unanswered questions- everything that doesn't make sense, it's like a tidal wave of the Deceiver's work, just trying to trip me up. But you know why that's not gonna work? Because it isn't true.
I'm not going to talk for long on the subject of truth, as I can just feel another blog post edging its way forth in my mind- about truth. So I will save most of my thoughts for that. But the gist of my thinking is this: What's true is true. Lies may deceive some of us, but ultimately, what is true is still true- even if it is hidden. The truth will set us free.
So those times when I feel like everything is pointing to the non-existence of Christ, I stop myself. I literally tell myself out loud to stop. I tell the devil to stop. I plead to God that he will drive those thoughts away, and then, I ponder the TRUE evidence. The evidence all around me pointing to the obvious existence of the One True God.
What caused me to question the Truth?
1. I didn't understand the situations going on around me.
-Okay, so something terrible is happening to me, or someone I know. Does that mean God doesn't exist? Of course not! How many times in the bible did it seem like everything was falling apart, but in the end, God shone through? COUNTLESS! Paul was struck blind. Pharaoh denied Moses. Esther's people were destined to doom. Job was stripped of everything he loved. Gideon's army dwindled down to 300 men. (And by the way, they were versing an army of at least 135,000.) So you see?
There are so many things in the Bible that I don't understand. But just because I don't understand why God did what He did doesn't mean anything. How can I think that I can understand the ways of the Creator? It's totally impossible. He has the most infinitely complex, imaginative, and wise mind. Mine cannot even compare. All I know for sure, is that He is righteous. Therefore, everything He does is righteous. I try to take it by faith, and trust that He understands- His righteousness prevails and even eludes my unrighteous mind. Makes sense, doesn't it? If His perfect righteousness is unreachable by our unrighteous selves, how could our unrighteous minds even begin to understand why He does what He does?
A while ago, I was listening to one of my relatives preach in church. He brought up a very good analogy. Arguing with God about the way he is running this world, about what's happening in our lives can be compared to this scene: a man sits down to watch "Pilgrim's Progress." About 65% through the movie, his friend walks in the door, walks past the TV, glances at the screen, and keeps walking. Later, he argues about the plot with the man who had seen the whole thing.
Does that not make perfect sense? Our lives are SO short when compared with history, and what is yet to come. We are literally little blips on the radar screen. How can we even imagine that we know how things are supposed to work, while God has a.) Seen all that is going to happen; b.) remembers every distinct detail of history; and c.) PLANNED the future according to his purpose? It's ridiculous! When it all comes down to this, it's really a faith issue. You say you trust in God? Trust in His plan~ His perfect timing. Romans 8:28 ~ For we know that God works out all things for the good of those who love Him. (Emphasis added.)
2. I questioned that God was real because I didn't feel like He was there with me.
-So, what? What about the times that I felt His presence? What about all the ways He's revealed Himself to me and my family throughout our lives? If I believe on Jesus Christ, I'm saying that I believe in God's promises. And one of His most famous promises was: I will never leave you, nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6, emphasis added.)
Also, I am blind. Not literally, but often spiritually. God is not visible to our blind human eyes. We cannot normally see the Spiritual Realm and forces moving around us. We are completely oblivious to God's messengers, and Satan's demons. Just because we cannot see them all the time doesn't make them unreal. Just because we don't totally feel God all the time doesn't mean He's not there! Have you ever thought that maybe the reason you can't feel Him is because you're not letting Him near you?
As my sorrowful self sat there, in tears, feeling so alone and cut off from God, I realized. All my worries and fears- I was holding on to them. They were bogging me down. They were causing me to doubt God's goodness. They were isolating me from Him. What was one of His loving commands? 1 Peter 5:7 ~ Leave all your worries with Him, because He cares for you. (GNT) I was holding on so tightly to my struggles, I wasn't surrendering them to God! How can there be room for the presence of God if I am trapped by my worries and anxieties? Learning to surrender everything into His hands is becoming a big concept in my life.
Once I let my burdens go, once I cast them on Jesus, I feel lighter. Almost literally, actually! God's Holy Spirit reassures me that He will make all things work out for my good. He's taken care of it. If you really stop and think about how God can already see what's coming up, how He actually sees right this moment how everything will turn out, it's comforting. I can just picture God patting our shoulders when we're stressed over the future and telling us, "Don't worry. Just trust me. I have it all planned out- you just have to believe that it will all work out. There's no need to fear, just leave it up to Me."
3. I was beginning to feel like without proof, there was no truth.
-Yes, I actually thought that. But then, when I have those moments of, "How do we know?" I can convince myself. I have heard countless stories of encounters with angels. My parents have some! Family friends! I read about a family member just today who believes she had an encounter with an angel! And don't even get me started on miracles. Sooooo many miraculous healings and dealings have happened in my lifetime, and beyond. Some have been personal! Angels are real! There is no denying that fact, people.
As for my own personal evidence... it's more on the darker side. I am convinced that I heard, with my own two ears, a demonic being. A demon. Thinking back over such times scares me silly! And why not? Makes sense that I should be frightened. The gist of the story; I was up north in a Native community. I was talking to two friends as we lay in our sleeping bags, waiting for sleep to take us. It was quiet at first, but unmistakable. I remember feeling the hairs on my neck stand straight up, and I could feel my eyes as saucers as I stared in utmost fear at my friend as the low-voiced, evil laughter filled the house. It sounded like the most haunted, bad-guy laugh ever. It was hovering around the house- going in circles... orbiting us. Even as I type this, I am in a cold sweat, and I can feel my heart pounding at the recollection. It lasted for maybe one minute, maybe ten. I just know it was the most frightening experience I ever had. It slowly faded away, and we were left there, our hearts drumming inside our chests. We all had heard it, no mistake. And I'm sure they remember it as clearly as I do.
Friends, I don't tell you that story to scare you. It still scares me, but it shouldn't. I know that Jesus is on my side, and the armies of Heaven's angels are protecting us. The reason I shared that story is because... I'm glad it happened. What?! When I tell others about it, they shudder saying "Oh, please don't scare me!" I agree, it's terrifying. I wouldn't want to experience it again. It was the coldest, starkest fear I can remember. But it was proof. Proof of what, you ask? Let me ask you: how can there be dark, without light? How can there be light, without dark? What I mean is, if there is dark and evil forces out there, there has to be a good side. There has to be light! If there are demons, which are fallen angels, then that is the proof I needed to assure me that there are angels, and there is God!
It's one thing to hear people's fantastic stories of their encounters with those of the Spiritual Realm, but it's another thing when you experience it yourself. Perhaps there have been more encounters in my lifetime, and I simply haven't recognized them. All I know is one time was enough. Whenever I doubt the existence of God, I remind myself of that petrifying night, and I know. God was protecting me.
There is SO much other evidence besides that! Just take a look at history- long ago and recent! You can see God's fingerprints intertwined in the fabrications of this world. History is His story! Even thought things may seem desperate, God is bigger! INFINITELY bigger, in fact!
To sum my craaaazy thoughts up, friction, I believe, shapes our faith, in a way. When I doubt the truth, the truth will still prevail, and remind me of itself. The Holy Spirit is working in me to be a better truth-seeker every day! And one day, when I get to heaven, the Truth will be right there in front of me. Tangible, visible, and perfect. My eyes are on the prize- the prize being my treasures in heaven. My faith is set on Christ Alone, and in His power, I stand.
