Bleach

There are people whose close relatives have been murdered, who are now the mother and father figures to the murderers. There are people who have been nearly beaten to death for their faith, who now work with and constantly love on their former abusers. There are people whose loved ones were killed far away, who went and ministered to the killers.

There are people who have been so wronged. And what they did in response was so right.

I admire these people. I think Wow. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been- but surely their faith in Jesus' greater calling played a defining role in their actions. I admire these people. But I am so not like them.

There are people like me who, when someone wrongs them, may not want revenge, exactly, but want to stay angry. Sometimes I feel like a grudge is where I draw my strength from. Not only that, but I feel like I need to convince people to join me in my anger against my wrongdoers. I want everyone to understand the depth of what they have done. I want people to be angry at them, because that's what they deserve.

I don't even consider forgiving them, because I feel like there is no reason to. Especially if they didn't ask for forgiveness. How can I forget someone who has done something so wrong to me- but thinks they did what was right? How can I forgive if the consequences of what they have done are NOT over? What if the impacts of what they have done are going to last? What if they will still sting months down the road? Because they will. How can I forgive them, if I am still going to suffer from what they've done?

That's just so backwards to me. If I was not in such a situation, it would seem simple. But being in it... I realize something. Forgiveness can be the hardest thing. Why is it so hard? Forgiveness may not produce visible results. To forgive someone in our hearts is what controls our anger and helps us continue to show love to them- but it doesn't fix things, necessarily. It doesn't change what happened. It doesn't always change their hearts. In fact we may have to continue to forgive them for things they continue to do. It just doesn't feel satisfying. 

I don't want to forgive because I feel like they don't deserve it. Why should they get my forgiveness when I technically have every right to hold a grudge? Why do they deserve my love if I will continue to feel the opposite from their side? Why do they deserve my compassion?

Truth is, they don't. But on the other hand... neither do I. I never have. I never will. Never in a million years will I ever deserve forgiveness. Why? Because even though what they are doing is hurting me- the sin I've committed nailed Jesus to a cross. The sins I commit over, and over, and over. The sins I still fall into, even though He forgave me. The sins that He knew I would commit- and still forgave me for. The sins that would continue to hurt him, He forgave. Completely. And not only that, but He chose to forget them, too. His vision isn't blurry every time He looks at me. He doesn't see me and think, Boy, I'm glad I forgave her when I did, otherwise I could not stand to look at her. He looks at me and thinks, Perfection. Because He has made me perfect.

I've thought a LOT about forgiving them. But if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to forgive them until I've told others what they did. I don't want to forget what they've done until more people know, understand, and are on my side. I want them to feel what I'm feeling. Then I'll forgive them. But... how does that make me anymore like Jesus?

He didn't forgive me after I'd paid my eternity in hell for the things I committed. He forgave me before I even had a chance to sin. He knew everything that I would ever do- He saw the horrible things I would think, say, and do. And He forgave me anyways. He forgave me with His own blood. He took away ALL the punishment I deserved. He didn't make me pay for my own actions fairly- He paid for my actions.

And because of that... I can forgive others. And I should. I've been bleached whiter than snow, and I know it. And because I know it, I realize that to refuse to forgive would be to try to cover my pure and righteous self with my old, dirty, sinful body.

If forgiveness is what brought me into a relationship with Christ, then forgiveness should be what brings me into contact with other people. People that need Jesus. People that need love. Grudges don't evangelize. Hatred doesn't save souls. Gossip doesn't solve anything. Revenge hurts both sides equally. 

Jesus doesn't call us to forgive when it's easy. He doesn't tell us to get even, and then forgive when we have our enemies in a headlock begging for mercy. He's always encouraged us, by example, to go against what's expected. To forgive while it hurts. To forgive despite what they still may be doing. To pray for those who harm us. To love those who hate us. So while I am still going to feel the pain, and endure the anguish for so much longer- I know that there is NOTHING they can do to me, that my sin will not have done to Jesus already. And if I have a right to be resentful towards them, then Jesus had that right a zillion times over. If I have the right to experience this anger to them now, then Jesus had the right to be angry at every single one of the billions of people who have lived on earth. And I'm one of those people.

If I am such a firm believer in justice, and want my debtors to get what they deserve... why am I not giving Jesus what He deserves- which would be my complete obedience?

Romans 12:2~

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

The behavior and customs of this world would definitely include seeking revenge when someone has done wrong to you. But if I love Jesus, then I am professing to be a new person because God has transformed me. And if I've truly let Him transform me, then He has transformed the way I think. Then, and only then, will I learn to know what God wants from me.

It makes sense, actually. Because if I continue to feel anger and hatred and let that grow within me as I keep this grudge against my wrongdoers- how will there be any room inside for God's will, which is to love my enemies, pray for my persecutors, and follow Jesus' example? 

Ephesians 4:31-32~

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I'm no longer of this world. Therefore, I no longer hate like this world hates.

I am of Christ. The same Christ that my own sin crucified, and the same Christ who forgave me for it. Therefore I forgive.

Dear Descendents

Dear Son, Daughter, or Grandchild. 
This is for you.

I don't know your name yet. I don't know your birthday or your age. I don't know where you live. I don't know whether you're even mine. I don't know whether you are healthy or ill, close or far, biological or adopted, dead or alive. 

I don't know where you live. In a home, in a dorm, on the street, in a jail cell, I don't know. I don't know what our relationship is like. I don't know your face, your full heritage; I don't know your friends, I don't know your father. Small 'f.' 

I don't know your favourite colour, food, movie, book, song, band, animal, sport, or game.

I don't know your school, your interests, your hobbies, your talents, your hopes, your dreams, your passions, your goals, your fears, your joys.

Maybe you are adopted... but not by me. Maybe you never knew me and I never had the chance to know you. Maybe to you, this letter is from a complete stranger. 

I. Don't. Know. You.
(Yet.)

I'm only sixteen. Just a teenager marveling at how fast my life is hurtling by. And although I know nothing about you- only what I imagine in my mind, I'm not worried. Because even now, at 10:31 PM on September 8th, 2014... you are completely real. I believe firmly that every strand of your DNA has been meticulously mapped out. Your perfect body and features have been planned by the most creative and perfect mind. Your brain and heart have been dreamed up by the One who invented dreams. Your personality is like a song just waiting to begin.

Your life is like a movie... and my God is just waiting to press 'Play.' You are you. Already. Even though nobody on the planet has a single clue as to who you will be- that's okay. Because the One who created the planet has it all figured out. He knows your name. He knows your birthday. He knows where you live, He knows who your parents are. He knows your nationality.

He knows your interests because He gave them to you. He knows your passions because He lit that fire! He knows your story because He wrote it. Already. And someday- He'll begin the process of publishing it. Your story. Your life. A work of art just waiting to bless the world.

Believe it or not, I think about you a lot. Some nights I lie awake for hours thinking about you. I haven't decided on a name yet. If you're a girl, I'm thinking maybe Avery, or Piper. If you're a boy... I don't really know. Maybe Sage or Tucker. 

I think so often about where we will live, how I will raise you, and how madly in love I will be with you. I pray that I will get to experience that- that I will get to meet you. Like I said, maybe we're not even related by blood, but I chose you because you had no one else. But whoever you are, wherever you are, and whenever you are, I pray more than anything for one thing: That we will be family through His blood.

My son, my daughter, my niece, my nephew, my foster child, my godchild, my sponsor child, my student, my friend... I don't care about anything other than this: I want you to know. KNOW. Know beyond any shadow of a doubt that there is One True Love in this world, and that is it. I can only be a reflection. This One True Love is pure beauty and perfection- which is exactly what you are modeled after. 

Yes, He has designed your mind to form certain opinions, think a certain way, show love through a certain language, but He does desire one thing specifically, one thing that dominates all your unique characteristics. He wants You.

He's got you figured out right now. And just thinking about that gives me shivers- because you probably won't be around for years yet. But you're in the making. And once you are born, He will still be making you. I mean, He's still making me. He's still making my parents and my grandparents. He's never done! It's amazing- His plan for us just keeps getting better and better! 

The reason I want so badly for you to be in love with your Creator is because I want to spend eternity with You, with Him. There is no other way. Even if I never get to meet you, even if I never get to see you grow up- I will still see your perfected, finished masterpiece someday in the Throne room of Grace.

I am trying my best to be a good ancestor for you. I'll be leaving behind many memories from my life. Pictures, journals, books, artwork, CDs, belongings, this blog- I can't take any of them with me when my few years are up. 

Romans 12:1~

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

But right now, I want to be working hard every day to make sure that everything I own, everything I say, everything I buy, everything I gain... I want to make sure that it is all something you would be proud of. Something that would teach you, something that would matter, so that it could be passed down through the generations and not be forgotten. Even now, I am praying for you. It's true.

I have stories I could tell you- so many stories. But not right here. Go find one of my journals, go read more on my blog, go look through the scrapbooks. But just trust me. I've only been here for, like, 6,000 days. And yet, in that short amount of time, God has already proved Himself over and over and over. He didn't even have to. I've doubted, I've shouted, I've pouted, but HE chose to forgive me and prove to me that He is the way. And He is real.

I know it's something you need to discover for yourself, and I can't make the decision for you. Even if I could, I wouldn't. I can promise you, however, that there is only one hope- only ONE way to make your life have a purpose.

How? Just look to the one and only thing that I know about you. You were created by MY Father. Big 'F.'

Isaiah 64:8~

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; 

we are the clay, and you are our potter; 

we are all the work of your hand.

Sincerely, 

Your 16-year-old Ancestor.

1 New Message

Sunday morning. Getting ready for church. What's on your 'church packing list?' Nice clothes, perhaps a water bottle or travel mug with your favourite beverage, cough drops, Kleenex, a notebook, a meal for the potluck after the sermon.... have I missed anything? Maybe this will jog your memory:

"...Well, it's not like the entire sermon we'll need our Bible for- just a specific passage. Maybe a few verses. I can just share with whoever is sitting beside me."

Does that sound familiar? It does to me. My Bible is big and bulky. It's a little bit heavy- especially when I'm walking around after church trying to gather up the rest of my siblings and herd them out the door. It's a big of a pain to be carrying everywhere and have to put down on my seat every time the worship team tells us to stand. Is it really that big a deal to leave the Bible at home once in a while, especially since the verses are often put on the screen, and we can just share with out neighbor? Many of us even have a Bible app on our phones! Maybe we don't need to bring our Bibles every Sunday....

But do we ever hesitate to bring our phones and iPods out of the house? Even if we know our friends probably won't be texting us- do we leave it at home? No. We are always eager to hear from them- always anticipating another text, call, notification, or other type of 'beep.' How can we be so eager to hear from our human friends, and so indifferent towards hearing from God? We wouldn't dream of leaving the house without some sort of way of communication in order to receive very simple, everyday, average messages from friends and family, but we often find it a pain to bring along the Message that brings hope and freedom. 

I know that technology is often used at church to look up passages quickly and effortlessly. I'm not against these apps whatsoever- they're a great invention, to be honest! But what happens when our friend's text message pops up in the corner of the screen? Be honest with yourself- do you ignore the text and continue to read the Scripture, or do you take a quick break to see what this person had to say? If it were me, the distraction of the little message bubble would easily draw my attention away from the Bible app. 

What ever happened to entering into the throne room of Grace with just one motive- to worship? What ever happened to having the single desire to hear the  voice of God ALONE, rather than the voices of our peers? When did the Bible become so boring and mundane and uninteresting that a text saying "See you after church" or "Could you pick up some bread at the store?" or "We should hang out later" became more exciting than having a special revelation from the Holy Spirit?

We never go anywhere without our technology that links us to all mankind- but we hardly ever bring the Book that links us to the God of the Universe. Who knows when we will be called to witness? It could be at church, but it could also be at the bus station. It could be at youth group, but it could also be at the mall. If the time comes and we are needed to evangelize, yes, we may have our phones. But what about the actual literal Gospel? 

I'm wondering how many times I've missed a message from God because I opened a message from my classmate. I'm wondering how many more hours I've spent chatting with friends than reading God's gift to me- His own Word.

2 Timothy 3:16~

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, 

for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 

that the man of God may be competent, 

equipped for every good work.

Matthew 4:4~

But [Jesus] answered, “It is written, 

“‘Man shall not live by bread alone,

 but by every word that comes 

from the mouth of God.’”

The Word of God brings freedom. The words of people bring distraction. The Word of God brings truth. The words of people often bring gossip and lies. The Word of God is nothing but LOVE. The words of people are self-seeking and self-promoting. The Word of God is a light that guides us. The words of people are often tainted with sin.

And how often do we actually keep the Prayer Line open? Though we continue to hang up and call back, God's end is always free. He is always wanting to talk, but we restrict His conversation hours to morning, afternoon, and nighttime... maybe edging in a special session before a test or trip. It's not a real conversation anymore- it's more of an update for Him and a couple bless'ems. 

1 Thessalonians 5:17~

Never stop praying.

Wow. Got it. I'm going to challenge myself for this new school year starting tomorrow morning, to call God in the morning, opening up the line. But I'm not going to hang up. For me, 'Amen' is not going to be a 'Good-bye,' anymore. It's going to be a 'Wait a second.' It will be a 24/7 prayer, so that God is always free to tell me something. I don't want to block my heart off from Him anymore, limiting Him to the times I have set aside for devotions. 

Grade 11 starts tomorrow. I'm turning devotion to a verb, prayer to a lifestyle, and I'm sticking a Bible in my backpack. God, I'm turning the conversation over to You. Because I'm listening now.