That song. Every time I listen to it, the more it touches me. It is such a huge comfort.
It's been a long while since I last hunkered down and wrote, mainly because, it's the beginning of the new school year. High School. I feel tired and grouchy and busy... and about 90% of my extra-curricular activities don't even start up until next week.
I have this dilemma every year, it's nothing new. I have to say 'no,' even when my heart longs to say 'yes.' I have to exclude myself from those get together's and events that I had been looking forward to, simply because my plate is already overflowing. It's a problem with me. I love being... busy. At least, I think I do.
Throughout the year, when I'm gone from home from 8:00am until 9:00pm running around town like a headless chicken, I come home and whimper over my overbooked schedule. I complain, "I'm sooooo tired!" "I'm soooooo busy!" "I have no time to do my homework!" "I have no time to do anything!"
Come mid-July, it's a whole different emotion. "I can't wait for school...." "I can't wait for dance...." "I am so bored!"
I guess I'm just never satisfied with the present busyness level. I get stressed over simple things, and lay awake at night worrying over something I signed up for, something I said to someone else, something coming up... I worry over everything. I pray and pray to God that things will go smoothly. I plead that He will work things out so that I won't be disappointed. I just want things to go my way, basically.
That song. Every time I listen to it, I love it more. It is a huge comfort to me. Sovereign. It's something that I fail to grasp, over and over. I am not sovereign. My way is not the way. Alone, my way is the way of destruction, even though I don't realize it.
I am not sovereign, but Someone is. That Someone already knows the way things are going to turn out. He is Sovereign. I cannot sway Him in one direction or another, for He is perfectly steadfast. Steadfast. That's another thing I am not.
Things this year are going to get crazy. I can sense it. I'm feeling pumped, I'm feeling apprehensive. I'm feeling wary, but almost ready. I'm anticipating many tears and many failures. So many new things are hurtling towards me, and I feel like I have no time to prepare for them. It's like a barrage of new experiences, some fun, some scary, are storming towards me.
But... He is with me in the storm.
And... He was with me in the calm, too.
I'm going to change this year. It's starting already. I'm going to have to step up my responsibility, and work harder than ever from here on in. Things will probably never be the same as they used to be. Less time to relax, less time to play. Hardly will there be a day when I have absolutely no care in the world, but maybe that's a good thing. Even though I'm growing and changing, He is still the same. He was with me all this time, and He will never leave me, nor forsake me.
Even if I mess up at teaching, He is still sovereign. If I flunk a test, He is still God. If I am diagnosed with cancer and am bedridden for the rest of my life... He is still with me. He is still Him, and that will never change.
I am a tiny part to this picture, and my idea of controlling my own life is as flimsy as saran wrap. My aspirations to an organized, calm, collected lifestyle will hopefully turn to mush. My goals to run my own life solo... yeah, right. Those were just hallucinations. God is sovereign, I am not.
Psalm 103:15-19~
As
for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he
flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more; And its
place acknowledges it no longer. But the loving kindness of the LORD
is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His
righteousness to children’s children, To those who keep His covenant,
And who remember His precepts to do them. The LORD has established His throne in the heavens; And His sovereignty rules over all.
My days are like grass. I will soon whither. All my accomplishments, everything I am working so hard for, it will be completely forgotten. And when the end is come, no earthly thing that we deemed worthy, will be worth anything at all. Nothing mattered. This whole time, God was sovereign. We work so hard for money. We strive so hard for popularity. We move mountains for relationships. We fight tooth and nail for status. We... what do we do for God, anyways? Funny. The one thing that actually matters, is the thing we forget about the most.
In the end, all these things I'm biting my nails over now, I will never remember them again. Every mistake I make this year, they'll be long gone. But every right choice. Every time I answer His call. Every time I give a cup of water to someone in His name. Those will be counted. They will be remembered.
When I win, God is sovereign. When I lose, God is sovereign. When I cry, God is sovereign. When I laugh, God is sovereign. When I die, God is sovereign. His absolute power is the most important thing ever, and it doesn't depend on my success. That takes a load off my shoulders!
Yes, I will stumble, big time. But it's not the end of the world. In fact, even if a million people witness it, even if they shun me for years and I am a public disgrace, God is STILL SOVEREIGN. Do you notice a pattern? His sovereignty doesn't change. It doesn't depend on me. It doesn't depend on you.
Actually, we depend on Him. (At least, we need to.)
The important things in life will be remembered, so strive for those things! Depend on the only steadfast One for your needs, not your own accomplishments!
I know that my position is secure in Christ, no matter how stressful and tiring this coming year will be. I know that the most important decision of my life, my second birth, has made me right with God. Nothing else matters so much. I want to work to honor Him because of His gift to me, but I want to rest in Him. There's no need to get worked up over these human-made expectations.
I will still work at all these assignments and projects and upcoming trials, but they will not define me. He is sovereign, no matter how I do. What a blessing to be able to rest in His everlasting love. He will always be God. He will always be Lord. No matter what mankind does, He will not budge! It's such an awesome realization, one that I am still too baffled by to comprehend fully.
Lord, whatever comes my way, I will trust you.
I am safe.
I am safe.
I am loved.
And He is Sovereign.
